Finding purpose...

Everyday, I don't do shit.

I feel so underaccomplished right now that I don't even know where to start. In high school, I always thought I had myself figured out. I thought that once I got into college, I would be able to be my true self openly. People in high school didn't understand me. Well, most of them probably could understand me, but they just never tried.

But I was alright with that. I knew that once I got out of Coldwater, I would find a place that I fit in. I would just hang out with a bunch of creative people like I thought I was and we would just work on a whole bunch of stuff together and have good times.

For the past two years, I don't think things really turned out like that. It always seems like it might come close, but I think I sort of let myself go with the whole idea. I got distracted by having to decided upon a list of majors and I had to give myself a new definition for being here. It sucked. If only I'd get into that music. But I'm tired of what if's.

Now here I am, aimless with everything. I've become the laziest I've ever been. And even though I thought that I owe it to myself to be so apathetic, it really didn't ration out. All it did was make me weak.

I made an appointment for counseling for Monday. I don't really know why, I sort of did it on impulse. But I really think I need it. Just to get some guidance from someone other than myself. I mean, normally I would try to work out my own problems, but it's too risky for me to do that anymore. It's not like playing a video game so that when I screw up I can just reset to the beginning.

What I need to try to do, though, is teaching myself how to write music. Not just to sit down and record a piece, but really to get a pen and staff paper and write the music out note for note. And I can't worry about the notes lining up exactly and details like that. I just need to learn how to write music efficiently. I can always clean the kinks out later.

If I get really fast at notating good music, then I've got half the battle beat for becoming the film composer I've always wanted to be. I'm sure James Horner doesn't just sit at the piano all day coming up with themes. He even claims that he turns to pen and paper when composing music. I need to train myself to become that advanced in composing music.

Even if I don't compose for film, I could still make a career out of recording. Like Enya or Enigma or Yanni. (Of course, I will try to avoid scandals...)

As for now, I'm done with my self-disclosure. Until next time....