Ever have those days...

I feel upset and confused and hurt right now.
I talked to Beth on the phone tonight.
Supposedly, one who I try to consider a friend always seems to find a way to stir things up with his omniscience.
Why do I trust people?
Especially people who don't deserve it?
That is my own problem.

Back in Coldwater, there are people who know things about me that I should feel ashamed of.
In some way, I do.
Mostly, however, I just don't care.
They will all be stuck in the junior high psyche forever.
I am willing to move on.

However, internally, I feel ashamed of a lot.
I am the most selfish person I know.
And all this torment I get from people who have betrayed me... well, I probably deserve it.
Most people in my situation would say "well, it's none of their business."
But I can't say that.
I allow it to be those persons' business.

Okay, now I just sound all confusing.
I would go back and erase all that text.
But no.
I'd rather continue moving foward.
Because the present and future is all I have left.

Waiting for the Twilight...

So it turns out that Nintendo has delayed Twilight Princess' release until July.
I can't say I blame them.
Perhaps they're still filling in glitches.
Or maybe they want to release it closer to the fall because PS3 will be on the shelves near that time.
I think I will always take Nintendo over PlayStation.
Not that Sony doesn't come out with awesome games.
But Nintendo is in my roots.

So I slept in till 5:00 again.
I will have to force myself to sleep tonight.
I can't miss another class.
And I have to fix my problem with my education class.
I will believe in a god if I have to.

Geez, I'm so selfish.

Haha.
I just laughed out loud.
Tyler probably thinks I'm going insane.
Oh well.

Themes...

I watched the first disc of the second season of the O.C. early this morning.
It's surprisingly a great show.
Of course, it won't be long before the original cast members will find bigger and better things and they'll have to introduce new characters.
But I'm happy to have discovered how good the show is now.

Tonight I'm suppose to have practice with our cover band.
I'm not in the mood though.
I'm not that good of a guitarist.
And I just sort of wanna do my own thing.

I also wanted to post up to "themes" from the movies we watched last night.

"I didn't even know what floor my room was on. I could've have been 52 stories high. But I knew that even if I escaped just to fall to my death, at I least I would have escaped..."

"Troy wanted to be in a rock band. But he didn't think he was that good of a guitarist. He had a crush on a girl since he was 13... and he never talked to her. He was my best friend... My only friend..."

Chumscrubbing Old Boys...

Tonight, Luke and I had our weekly gathering of Bob Evans and some movies.
Tonight's features were Old Boy and The Chumscrubber.
Old Boy is a Korean film with a Quentin Tarantino style to it.
It was exciting, clever, and bizarre all in one sha-bang.
It had a nice twist too, as most films of that genre do.

The Chumscrubber is a film I've been wanting to see for a few months now.
Mainly because James Horner scored it.
But also because I have a fetish for suburban type movies.
You know, films like American Beauty, Life as a House and Edward Scissorhands.
The Chumscrubber is, in the simplest terms, bizarre.
But in a rather good way.
Much of it seemed farfetched, but I was willing to but into it.
The score was haunting.
James Horner hasn't scored like this in a long while.
I heard some "flashback" orchestration that resembled some parts in Field of Dreams.
I was excited to hear that kind of music from my idol.
That's the James Horner music I remember falling in love with.

So far, I've been getting some good responses to my new song, "Rise Of The Sun."
Beth seemed to find the piece enjoyable.
And I was surprised to hear how much Luke enjoyed it.
I also got a comments from some MySpace friends.
If you are reading this and have not yet heard my new recording, please see my MySpace link in my sidebar.

Rising of the Sun...

I stayed up all night last night, my mind meandering over life in general.
I figured that it's been a while since I last finished a recording, so I made it a goal to at least make one recording out of thin air before I got any sleep.
Be sure to download and listen to it at my MySpace.
It's titled "Rising Of The Sun."
The entire piece is very simple.
There isn't much direction and it only contains two voices, synthesized strings and my own vocals.
DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING POPULAR!!!!!
This piece was entirely improvised and briefly edited.
My guess is that most of you will probably listen to the first minute, if that, and no more.
I'm trying to develop a style that isn't touched upon too much.
This new piece is organic in every way.
Please, don't try to spend hours deciphering what I was feeling when I recorded it an hour ago. It's 8:40 in the morning and I think whatever I was trying to convey was something way out of this world.
Thanks for listening!

A big, stupid journey...

If life is a journey, I feel like I am in the middle of the desert.
I hope I get out of it soon, but I may never because I am not sticking to one direction.
I may keep circling this desert until I am 90 years old.
And I'll never know where I could have gone.
Ever.

I wonder if I stay in one direction, and never look back on the other options I had, how would I know that I wouldn't like where I ended up going that direction?
What if it brings me to the sea when I want to see the mountains?
What if it's just more desert?
Maybe no matter which direction I go, I'll end up right back where I started.
And I won't get back until I realize that I took the wrong path.

Or perhaps I should look at this vile desert as my home.
Because I am sure that no matter which direction I lead, I will wish that I was back at this desert.
I will wish that I would've taken more time to decided the direction I wanted to lead.

However, how do I know that if I don't follow through with a direction right now I might only make things more miserable for myself?
What if I were to just pick a direction now and say, Well, it's a good thing I chose to leave as soon as I did?

I'll never know until I make the choice either to leave this place or die slowly of it's tenacious heat and dehydration.

I am almost halfway through my college years.
And I don't think I'll ever be satisfied with what I am doing with my life.

If you read this...

Statistics claim that the average person sleep 1/3 of his or her lifetime.
So, my question is:
Does an abundance of sleep result in longevity?

But who cares.
Maybe I'm not the average person.

I made an attempt to record an improvised piece tonight.
My PC will not tolerate it though.
Something must be eating up my RAM.
Oh well.
I need new equipment up the bazurko anyways.
Some day, I will have my own private, sophistocated studio.
With a computer that is more advanced than my pile of shit.
But at least I have a computer.
Most people in this world aren't that lucky.

It's 6:25 in the morning.
And I am thinking to myself: What the hell am I going to do today that will make it extraordinary.
I am concerned about this because I have been so careless lately.
Careless about school.
Careless about people.
Careless about everything.
I keep thinking that in 5 years, someone is going to ask me how I've become so successful.
And they're going to want to know where I started.

I fear that I won't be able to tell them.
I mean, if I had told them anything, it'd probably sound very cliche.
Something like "I was lost" or "I was depressed."
We've all heard success stories like that.
But how do I know that that is what I am really experiencing?

I guess it doesn't matter now.
And I suppose that when I am successful, I will know what to say.

Small adjustments...

I listened to some MySpace music tonight.
It made me think.
I haven't really finished a recording in a long time.

Tonight was weird though.
But only due to the lack of sleep and food.
I was feeling depressed again.
But continuously sang in the back of my head to stop taking things so seriously.
Depression is weird though.
It occurs so automatically.
I think I will be depressed all my life.
The trick is learning how to ignore by distracting yourself with more appealing things.

I think I should hang out more with people who are more like myself.
Luke would probably a good best bud for around here.
His mind is as open as my own.
He's the kind of guy that is willing to speak his mind.
There have been a couple times when we ran into each other, but only to just say hi for a few minutes.
Next time that happens, we should just shoot some pool or talk.
I need that kind of friendship to take part in up here at BG.

Breanna has also been helping me with my personal issues.
I'm so happy that I met her.
It might be sad for some people to think that I have made such a great friend by means of the Internet.
But Breanna's not just some kind of Internet-obsessive freak like most people tend to stereotype online chatters.
She's a human being.
Just like me.
And she understands me like no one has ever before.
So fuck people who think I'm shallow for befriending her via a chatroom.

I must sleep now.
I gotta make some small adjustments to my routine.
It's part of my new plan....

Food for thought...

I am so nocturnal.
Always up in the wee hours of the night.
It's better on the dark side of the planet.
When most of this crazy nation is dormant.
It's amazing to think of all the cycles that occur in this universe.
Everything has a pattern.

It's kind of upsetting, though, with how much we know about our universe.
A lot of mysteries seem to have been explained.
Sure, there are a kazillion more mysteries.
But things seem less magical now than what they did hundreds of years ago.
But we're human.
We thrive to have an explanation for everything.
We can't just find beauty in the way things are.
We have to break them down and digest them with our minds.

What if the ultimate universal explanation of our existence doesn't really exist though?

Or maybe that's what God wants us to believe.
Because as long as we can't explain things, we will always put our faith in God.
And in return for our faith to God, it returns the deed with the gift we all share.
Blind hope.

"The more I discovered about the universe... The more I believed in the existence of a higher power." -Albert Einstein

Cooler than shit on a stick...

Wow.
I am becoming Zelda-crazed once again.
Supposedly, a small, independent film company (BMB Finishes) are two years into the production of The Legend of Zelda: The Hero of Time.
Man, oh, man, am I excited for this!
I'm actually kind of happy that this film will be heavily underground.
For all you Zelda fans who would like to know more about this movie, click here!
And if you notice at the bottom of the page, they are still in need for help with post-production.
How I would absolutely be thrilled to score this film!
But I have neither the money nor the proper resources to orchestrate such music.
I will be disappointed when the musician they do hire makes music that is shittier than I can compose.

Also, take a look at this trailer for Twilight Princess, which will hopefully be available in stores by mark of next month....

Zelda Feedback...

I got some feedback today for some msuic I recorded a while back.
It was two themes from Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
Zelda's Lullaby and Song of Time.
The feedback was from some girl named Angelica in Austrailia.
She's almost 16 and has a cat named Taichi who just had kittens.
She seems to be hyper.
Her feedback was positive.

You can see my publishings of these mp3's at The Legends and Adventure Music Page.
You can listen to the recordings right here if you want though.
Zelda's Lullaby
Song of Time
Enjoy!

Bill Murray and the Aristocrats...

Tonight, Luke and I watched two Bill Murray movies.
Broken Flowers and Lost In Translation.
Both very slow-paced movies.
Both of the same tone and style.
Both very deep and artistic in a way.
I was amazed.

The other movie we watched was called The Aristocrats.
Basically, it's a joke phenomenon that was started by a couple big comedians in the 70s.
The idea is for the comic to improvise the dirtiest joke of all time.
Sexual references, racial slanders, incest are all involved... but not limited to.
It was hilarious.
My kind of humor.
I could really make it a very offensive joke though, and would probably lose a lot of friends who didn't really know me or the story behind the Aristocrats.

But maybe I'll come up with something for this blog... hehehe.

And the clouds break apart...

So I'm lying in bed today, stressing out over everything that my future beholds for me.
I got scared, as usual, about pretty much everything.
Being unsuccessful.
Never get out of debt.
Never having my dreams come true.

I even thought about it analytically.
I thought about how people like me never really do what they want until they finally die.
I thought about why people tend to make me feel inferior to them.
I thought about why I am so misunderstood.
I thought about how all this thinking was probably the reason I've been so sick lately.

Then, the most wonderful thing happened.
I discovered the truth behind all of it.
I found out that I can really lead a really happy life.
The answer was right in front of me the entire fucking time too.

I said to myself:
"Jeremy.... You take yourself way too fucking seriously."
And then things started to finally making sense.
Everything.
I now know why I couldn't get up to give a speech about myself in communications class.
I now know why nobody understands me.
I now know why I misundertood myself all this time.

I have been taking me and my life way too seriously.
And I haven't been telling the people I meet not to take me so seriously.
I mean, Breanna was probably the first person I could actually come out and tell not to take me seriously.
Because she makes me feel so comfortable with myself.

So from now on, whenever I get depressed, I just need to realize that I'm not being goofy enough.
And I need people to know that I am not a serious person as soon as they meet me.
Because if they understood that I'm not serious in the first place, they will understand that all the offensive shit I say is just for shits and giggles.

I'm so fucking happy that I finally came to this realization.
Dingle-hopper!

Life and improvisation...

Tonight was another one of those nights.
My mind is all boggled.
I occupy it with my future.
What I am realizing is that I am future-obsessive.
I am not gaining anything from this obsession though.
Because I am missing out on now.
This very moment.
At this rate, I will never look back on my life when I'm on my death bed.
I will only be thinking of what will happen the next day.
The next week.
The next year.
And I won't even be there.

I'm tired of thinking about what will happen to me in the future.
I'm tired of trying to set goals.
I'm tired of trying to make a plan.
My life doesn't need a plan.
That's not how I operate.

I'd rather just improvise.

Behind a messy room...

Hmm... My room is a mess again.
I must be under some kind of anxiety that I am not aware of.
Otherwise my room would be spic'n'span.

So I write in my weblog that no one sees.
But it's good therapy.
I have to write a paper about ethics for my IPC class.
Fun fun.

I think I will clean my room.
I feel slobbish.

Stifler's Mom...

I got a So-Be Power yesterday.
I love So-Be caps.
Always so random.
The one I had yesterday said "Stifler's Mom."
That was pure!
So I had to make a quick post dedicating Stifler's Mom and all milfs out there in this beautiful sphere.
MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF! MILF!

A New World with a side of new friendship, please...

Many Horner fans are claiming that The New World score is one of his best for this decade.
Jesse said the movie sucked, but he did enjoy the music.
I'll have to check it out.

I got $25 in the mail from my mom today.
I'm rich bitch.

I met someone new today also.
Her name is Alison.
She plays flute and she's a musical arts major.
She seems to be a really cool person.
She heard me playing piano in the HCD lobby.
I love it when people talk to me when I play piano.
I feel like I can truly be myself.
However, I wish I didn't depend on the piano so much.
Sometimes, people must wonder if I have a life outside of music.
Sometimes, I wonder if I have a life outside of music.
I'm suppose to, considering I'm going for a job that doesn't place music on a pedastal.

I need a new hobby.
I think I should get some homework done now.
Arriba noche.

Whispering winds...

I cleaned my room today.
It always feels great to be organized and clean.
I hope that this week goes well for me.
I feel a little nervous about it.
Hopefully it's all just nerves.
James Horner music will help sooth me though.
Tonight/this morning, I will listen to The Land Before Time.
It's a very magical and haunting animated score.
One of Horner's most unique, in my opinion.
Someday, my life will come together.
But if it weren't for the times of boredom and agony, we would never be aware of our happiest moments.

Hakuna matata.

The Perfect Storm...

Today I popped in the old Perfect Storm soundtrack.
Definitely one of James Horner's best works.
The themes are so simply, yet so layered and complex.
The music sort of reflects myself.
On the outside, I appear to be an ordinary person.
But if you get to know me as well as I know me, you see that I am a very layered person.
A person with abstract ways of thinking.
And yet everything blends in with each other.
And they all make up one me.

I'm really good at making no sense.
But I understand what I mean.
And that's all that matters.

I played a little piano in the HCD lobby tonight.
Their were a lot of people there playing Dungeons and Dragons.
I used to want to get into those kind of role playing games.
One day, I tried.
I did not like it though.
I'd rather live in the real world.
Getting involve with a role playing games just means you're too good for the world as it is.
So you create a world of your own with your nerdy friends and become someone else.
I'd rather be who I am right now.
And I'll make the changes I need in order to become who I want to be.

And now, I think I am going to go back to my aquarium and away from this cyber venue.
Because I don't want to miss out on my life.

The importance of companionship...

My buddy Luke and I hung out tonight.
We both sort of put ourselves in the same position.
Loneliness.
But I think our friendship is becoming more valuable.
I'm happy.
I need a pal my own age to chat with and discuss things.
We're like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
I feel a little better about myself after today's tragedy.

Spencer gave me a call too.
But I was not here to pick it up.
We're trying to get a band going on.
Hopefully he'll understand.

Time is calling for me now.
I must continue my story so I have something new to blog about.

Mission failure...

Today is the day of my introductory speech about who I am.
I stayed up all night trying to prepare it.
I prepared nothing.
I am not doing my speech today.
I am a pansy-ass for spazzing out like this.

I can tell it's been a long night simply by looking at my room.
It's a wreck.
My computer is surrounded by a militia of empty Dr. Pepper cans.
The caffeine did not help me last night / this morning.

I about broke myself down to tears today.
I am in realization that I do not know who I am.
I feel like I am stuck in a web, waiting to be eaten.
I think I need a more profound social network.
I think I am too introverted to have a personality.
Plus, my open mind might be too open.
I cannot even pinpoint who I am in a 3- to 5-minute speech.

I am thinking about finding some help.
The university offers free counseling.
My friend Meg (who I still have yet to meet personally) told me that the counseling center has a pretty good set up.

Even though I have decided to not give my speech today, I got dressed up for the occassion.
But I think I did so in order to go out tonight.
Hopefully, things turn around real soon.
I can't wait to feel happy again.

And that's my crumpled piece of paper for you.

Finding inspiration...

I think I will take it upon myself to do some more reading.
Tomorrow I will be hanging out with my good friend Luke.
He's into reading and is also a very creative writer.
We became friends as biology lab partners last semester.
We only hung out one time.
I think we make great friends, and I am glad we are going to chill again.

I also want to read more because I feel it will inspire me to write more.
I love writing.
I think it is as pleasurable as music.
Well, maybe.
I love making music a little more than writing.
But if I didn't ever teach myself music, writing would be my big hobby.

I have to discipline myself with a good sleep pattern.
I stay up late chatting with a good friend though.
Our chat seems to be worth the lack of sleep.
When it hinders my grades, she will understand when I tell her that I can't stay up so late.
But she's so much fun to talk to.
Breanna is also a really good friend.

Don't worry, all who read this (yeah - all two of you!)
I will have better posts in the future.
Once I've found some new inspiration.

Painting with Bob Ross...

Math was fun today.
We had an exam.
I think I did quite well.
But I didn't know how to explain why our number system derived to become known as the Hindu-Arabic system.
So I bullshitted the answer to sound halfway intelligent.
Then I wrote: "(I know this is just a bunch of BS, but I thought it sounded good!)"
I wonder if she'll take points off for saying that.
On the bottom of the last page I wrote: "Have a nice day!"
I bet she takes my bonus points away for trying to suck up.
Oh well.

Now I have to prepare a speech about who I am.
I present the speech tomorrow.
I'm a little nervous because I'm still not exactly sure who I am.
I know I'm good at bullshitting.
And I'm a smartass.
I'm a pretty friendly guy too.
I like to watch Bob Ross paint too.
He makes me want to fall asleep.
And just when you think he's gonna fuck up his picture, he saves it.
It always turns out awesome.

That's kind of how my life has been.
Just when I think I'm gonna fuck up...
... it just turns out awesome.

That was a cool analogy.
Maybe I'll use it for my speech.

I need to shave.